Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
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Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
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Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Meow?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami