My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
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are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
step 6: release the wall snake
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.