i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
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[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.