Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
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me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
channeling her this year
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.