When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
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Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
the battle rages on
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.