I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
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why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Growing out my freckles.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.