Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
my mom making me talk to relatives
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in