Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
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The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Children of the corn 🌽
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.