“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
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There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.