I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
They did not think through this water fountain
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to