“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
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Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me