*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I’d use my best pan on you.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Merry Christmas
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.