[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
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lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
i wish we could shoplift online
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.