Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
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i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
True freaking story!
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.