Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
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Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*