I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
You Might Also Like
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised