Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
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“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My dad鈥檚 pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let鈥檚 never discuss this again.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Pretty sure it鈥檚 easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
If you鈥檙e bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 馃槗
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they鈥檙e both eating tacos
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don鈥檛 even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus