ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.