[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
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Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Yes, this is exactly right
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*