No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
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Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
going to the ER y’all need anything
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.