How can I say no to this ?
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Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.