today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
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My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.