Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
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I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.