He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
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i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
secret recipe
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
happy friday
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight