I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
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Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
We are the people our parents warned us about.