Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed