[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
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Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
They’re not wrong
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off