Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
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ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
A new level of troll.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin