Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*