Godzilla was the first house flipper.
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I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
channeling her this year
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
You know…for fall…
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
“HELP WITH CAT”
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*