this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
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Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!