mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
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Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it