And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
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The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
The pasta is now
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?