All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no