It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
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The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
next question.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Go hard or stay average
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Chemical wingman