I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
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I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish