If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
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You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.