Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
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°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Called it
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you