It was worth a shot 😂
You Might Also Like
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”