My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
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[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I feel it
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?