Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
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Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.