This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
It’s an epidemic…
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.