If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
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TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
TODAY
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit