Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
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Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country