I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
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[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me: