For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.