.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
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Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.