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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
LA today:
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.