[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”