Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
You Might Also Like
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I’m aging like a fine banana
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.